Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
