i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
