why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
