You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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