I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
