before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
did i walk over a car last night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
