well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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