I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
