i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
