she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
