After last night, I could never be a politician.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
