I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize