It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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