My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
