I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
