So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
