Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
