I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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