i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My dick has a subreddit
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
