i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
