I'm so fucking centered right now
I looked at my own cervix.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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