i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
