He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
