I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize