I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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