1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
