So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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