Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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