I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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