my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
