I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
