he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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