Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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