the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
