Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
