I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
