he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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