Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize