Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
