oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize