How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
