I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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