You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
