I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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