You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
