Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize