I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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