Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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