whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize