He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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