I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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