I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
