Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So vagazzling was a success
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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