I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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