Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Someone shit on the floor
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
