when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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