It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
