Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
