No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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