Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
