i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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