man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
