he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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