i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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