Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
