John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
