I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
