Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
