If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
