The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
this hospital has no fireball
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize