im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
