11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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