Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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